An open letter to New York City real estate brokers

Dear New York City real estate brokers,

After spending some time browsing your many ads on Craigslist, I feel that many of you have some serious misconceptions. I would like to clear up those misconceptions, as I believe that doing so will allow us to establish a much better working relationship.

FIRST TOPIC: MANHATTAN

The Upper West Side has clearly defined boundaries. These are: 59th Street on the South, Central Park West on the East, the Hudson River on the West, and 110th Street on the North. Most of you have a pretty good grasp of the first three boundaries. Thankfully, I have not seen yurts in Central Park or houseboats (or sacks) on (in) the Hudson advertised as being in the Upper West Side. The northern boundary is where we have trouble. If an apartment is located at 157th and Amsterdam, it is not on the Upper West Side. In fact, it is 47 blocks away from the Upper West Side. This is an error of over 2 miles. This is not acceptable. It is okay that not every apartment in New York is located on the Upper West Side. With the rental vacancy rate hovering around the frighteningly low value of 0.7%, you will still be able to find tenants without trying to fool them into thinking they live two miles away from where they actually live. (FYI: These concepts that we’ve just discussed may also be applied to the Upper East Side, but please remember that this neighborhood ends at 96th Street. And York and East End Avenues are not “close to the subway”.)

SECOND TOPIC: BROOKLYN

Many of you seem to believe that this entire borough can be divided into “Williamsburg” and “Park Slope” and modifications thereof. I grant that Williamsburg and Park Slope are popular neighborhoods which have seen significant increases in population in recent years. However, we are still a long way from seeing the entire borough split in two by a latter day Ribbentrop-Molotov line separating yuppies from hipsters, F Train riders from L Train riders, those who live in brownstones from those who live in converted industrial lofts of questionable legality.

Please do not tell me that an apartment is located “near Prospect Park”. That is about as useful as telling me an apartment is “near Manhattan”. There are many neighborhoods that are near Prospect Park. They all have names. Please use them.

THIRD TOPIC: PRESENTATION OF ADS

Do not type in all caps. This should not be that hard.

If I see “pic” in orange letters next to the ad, I expect to see pictures of the apartment. Here is what I do not want to see:

• A bouncing hand pointing at your phone number.
• Your company’s logo.
• An aerial view of Central Park. If I could afford an apartment with this kind of view, I would not be looking for it on Craigslist.
• A picture of a random street in New York. I have been to New York before. I know what it looks like.

In fact, every ad should have pictures of the apartment. Digital cameras are now as plentiful as Pez dispensers and only slightly more difficult to use.

If you have links to your company’s website, please test them to make sure that they actually work.

FOURTH TOPIC: YOUR PAY

I am not paying you 15% of a year’s rent. Ever.

Sincerely,
Yamwell

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